foods i want to eat but can't.

Every minute, at least 10 different foods run through my head and I just want to eat them all. But, even though the swelling has gone down, I am still reduced to eating soupy mashed potatoes with chunks of a cheese stick melted in for added flavor. Anyways, if I were allowed to chew, here's what I'd eat.

+ pizza
+ pasta
+ bread
+ chicken parmesan
+ italian food of any kind
+ sushi
+ orange chicken
+ chips and salsa
+ chips of any kind
+ steak
+ chicken
+ fried catfish
+ a hamburger
+ a turkey burger
+ meat of any kind
+ those cookies in the bookstore
+ cake
+ brownies even though I don't like chocolate
+ cookies
+ cookies
+ cookies
+ something other than smoothies
+ something other than ramen with the noodles all cut up
+ something other than soupy mashed potatoes
+ cookies

Anyone else sensing a trend here? Yes, I am the biggest baby.

search bar lately.

"oliver trask the o.c. steinbeck"
"crepuscular"
"law of moses priest"
"seppuku"
"strong's exhaustive concordance"
"luke 1:25 reproach greek"
"byu international cinema"
"cake mix cookies"

pity party/thank you.

So. I got part of me extracted two days ago. My wisdom teeth, to be exact. Not even a big deal. But I came out of the anesthesia bawling my eyes out about nothing in particular. (So, to answer my question as to what kind of drunk I'd be... The hysterical, histrionic, cry-my-eyes-out kind. Awesome.) I came home and promptly threw up blood. Out of my nose, too. It was fantastic. After a nap, I got up and had to lay on the floor. I started blacking out. But as soon as I could get up, I heard a knock on the door. It was my friend DP. I knew he was an answer to a prayer, but it hadn't been mine. So. Whoever you are, thank you.

And to the rest of you, go enjoy chewing something for me today.

plane buddies.

Ever had a conversation with someone on a plane? I'm always worried to start talking to people because I'm not the greatest conversationalist and because it's just awkward when you want to read your book or something. But, no lie, yesterday I talked to a guy on the plane for the entire 3 hours and 47 minutes from home. Yes, we're getting married. Just kidding. He was a Mormon missionary coming home for the first time in two years. And it was nice to just talk to someone. No worrying what he wanted from me, no awkward moments, just a nice chat to take my mind off the flight back and the consequent re-acclimation to the current status of my social life. (Non-existent.) It was really nice to take my mind off my own problems for a bit. When I turned around to say goodbye after getting off the plane, he was gone. And that was that. I wish I'd say goodbye, or at least good luck in life, but he was gone. It was a blessing to have had someone there. Even when I feel my worst, someone is looking out for me.

AA.

I always forget, until I walk past a bar at a restaurant, that the familiar smell I have smelled on AH's breath all these years is alcohol. Reality is sobering.

wrasslin'.

So, as basically no one knows, I jetted out for that one holiday and came home for the weekend to watch my brother compete in the state tournament for an unpecified sport in which boys grapple each other while wearing leotards. It's been interesting. I laughed, I cried. (What's new?) Here are some highlights.

1. "No po-po? I go-go." --my mother
2. After hearing my life plan to become an audiologist, CA asked me what I was going to do about sex. I'm not sure what worries me more, her assumption that I will be single for the rest of my life or her thinking that intercourse is crucial to a healthy lifestyle.
3. My mother's only thoughts on the 4-time state champion referred to his shoulder blades and surrounding musculature: "He looks like he has boobs on his back. I mean, if you were to take a picture without his head there, he'd look like some deformed woman!"

Sometimes, things happen. Like losing. My brother lost. Predicted to place, and he lost before the quarter finals. Pinned in 30 seconds by a boy he'd beaten the week before. But that's not what made me cry. (Yep, me. Tearing up in the middle of a sports event.) I went to give him his food today and he said he didn't want to eat until he had warmed up with AP. AP was wrestling for the championship. It's every little boy's dream to come down those stairs when they call your name and stand on the mats with the rest of the boys competing to be state champ in each class and weight. And AP got to do it. But he asked my brother to come out on the mats with him and help him warm up. And he stood out there on the mats, waiting to warm up until my brother came down. My brother, out there with the rest of the state champions. As I drove him home today, he told me that afterwards, AP had said to him, "I couldn't have done it without you, brother." Bless AP's little heart. (And someone did, since he was indeed crowned state champ.) Sometimes things suck. Refs make bad calls. You get put on your back when you never see it coming. And it sucks. It really does. But there are beautiful moments through every single one of the hard times. Sometimes you have to look hard. Sometimes they are staring you in the face. But the fact of the matter is that you have to get up. You have to keep going, and you have to keep hoping. And you have to keep looking, because the sun will always rise again.

i am not who i was a year ago.

A year ago, I was sad. Not depressed, just generally a flatline person. It was just a sad state for me compared to who I am now. But in the past year I have learned how to hope. I have learned how to trust that there is a greater power in this world than me or anyone else. I have learned how to be honest with myself and with others. I have learned how to be brave. I have learned how special and unique I am. And I have learned how to trust my own sanity, even when everyone else doubts me. You might think that sounds sad. But it's not. I know everything will be okay. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know that for me, this whole religion-and-prayer thing tends to work out pretty well. So I am sticking to what I know, to what I've felt, to what I've experienced that proves to me that there is still good left in the world, and that there is always hope, even for the impossible.