on pregnancy.

No, I am not pregnant. (Don't worry, Mom.) But I recently watched "What To Expect When You're Expecting." And except for a little bit of adultery and crude humor, it was pretty hilarious. I laughed, I cried, the usual. And halfway through the movie, I was thinking to myself, "Wow, it will be so fun to someday be married and have kids." WHAT? Have you met me? Obviously, there is some very good acting in that movie because I came back to reality this morning and realized that pregnancy will be total purgatory. I am absolutely terrified. Now, children I can handle. I'm a nanny every once in a while when I feel like I am capable of taking care of myself so much that I can take care of other little people, too. But carrying a small person INSIDE of you? Now that's a different story. I woke up this morning and laid in my bed on my stomach thinking about how much it hurt to breathe with my abdomen sandwiched between my other internal organs and a mattress. Then I thought about what it would be like to never lay on my stomach and still have the pressure of not only my internal organs, but the little baby organs of a little baby, and a little baby, all squishing down on my respiratory and digestive systems. Did I mention I also have asthma? "Oh my gosh," I thought. "I'm never going to be able to get a full breath again. I'm going to faint like five times a day from lack of oxygen to the brain. I'm going to go into premature labor on a plane. While I'm unconscious." (Don't ask... I have this terrible ability to imagine the worst outcome possible of any situation.) Not only is not breathing terrible, but do you know the many ways that a pregnancy can go wrong? Seriously. Something as simple as the blastocyst implanting in wrong place can mean that your baby is not growing in your womb, but your stomach. So eat and breathe up, ladies. This may be your last day to do so. (Unless you're not married like me, Mom. Trust me, I have plenty of days/years until I have children. Chill. Don't call Dad. I'm still your little girl... Who squished your organs for eight months. Sorry about that.)